Attachment and Relationships
We're designed and wired to be in relationships (with others and within ourselves) that are connected and emotionally safe.
While there's much emphasis and pressure placed on relationships in our culture, we often tend to underestimate the healing power of secure relationships; how they equip us to move through the world with confidence, taking necessary risks that we might not otherwise.
Unfortunately, when we experience pain and hurt, we don't just develop a distrust of other people. We also lose trust in ourselves.
The role of trauma
And when we experience trauma, we're unable to regulate our own nervous systems to gauge whether or not we feel safe with another person. This leads us to exist in a state of constant distrust and hypervigilence-- even in our closest relationships-- without realizing it.
Sound exhausting and unsustainable? It is.
Fortunately, it's also treatable.
Healing your relationships with others
The start of healing our closest relationships with others begins with forming a safe attachment to self.
This includes learning how to identify your own emotions, your own triggers, and your own ways of regulating. Once your ability to self-regulate is restored, you'll be able to see opportunities to set and communicate boundaries, show vulnerability, and start to build trust with another person.
Healing your relationship with self
When we have safe and trustworthy relationships, our ability to heal within ourselves is also strengthened.
When partners learn to provide safe space for one another and parents learn the art of co-regulation, each person in the relationships benefits from experiencing a deeper connection within themselves.
Attachment in therapy
For many of us, a skilled therapist is the first safe attachment we experience. This is why finding a good fit in a therapist can be so powerful in and of itself!
A skilled therapist will also support you in establishing trust, safety, and secure attachments in your daily life. This might happen in couples counseling, family counseling, parent coaching, and/or individual education and processing about boundaries and relationships in the world.
Our deepest healing and thriving is only possible with secure attachment to one another. And yet, we can only experience this in our relationships as we get to know ourselves.
Understanding and facilitating the dance between the two is the art of the attachment focused therapist.
Ready to connect with an attachment focused therapist?