For many people, the old adage, “You are your own worst enemy” rings unfortunately true. You may find your thoughts circulating back to a self-defeating pattern in which you blame yourself and see all of your shortcomings. This pattern of self-criticism may lead to various mental health issues such as depression, anxiety, emotional shut-down, avoidance, and low self-esteem. It is difficult and frustrating to stay in this loop, but thankfully there are strategies to cope with this dilemma. Here are a few techniques to try to work through your mindset:
ONE: PRACTICE SELF-COMPASSION
A helpful first step to healing is paying close attention to your thoughts. Say that you make a small blunder at work and your boss corrects you: what is your initial reaction? What kinds of thoughts do you have about yourself after this situation? Times of stress, confusion, or emotional intensity may reveal your default thought patterns, which may either be self-compassionate or self-critical. It can be helpful even to write down the types of thoughts you tell yourself. Building awareness around these automatic thoughts can help you then change your internal dialogue, allowing you to grow in self-compassion.
TWO: EXPLORE THE ORIGIN OF YOUR SELF-CRITIC
Either in therapy or in your own processing, practicing curiosity is key. If you have a lot of insecurity around your looks, for example, explore where this may have come from. What sorts of messages did you receive from parents, peers, and the media growing up around body image? We are shaped by our early experiences, so it makes sense that you may carry around disapproving voices from early on.
THREE: CONNECT WITH YOUR INNER CHILD
For many of us, shame and self-criticism developed from an early age and we have years of experiencing a self-shaming narrative. To change this narrative, practice connecting with your childhood self. Think of a time in your childhood that was particularly important, impactful, or challenging. It might be helpful to select a picture of yourself from this time period and print it out or make it your phone screensaver. Whenever you notice yourself speaking harshly to yourself, look at the picture of you as a child. What are your feelings towards this child? Can you feel compassion for this child? This exercise can help you grow compassion for yourself both in the past as well as the present, as you carry your child self in the present.
FOUR: CHALLENGE YOUR THINKING
The last route for coping with negative self-talk is to take a Cognitive-Behavioral route in which you can challenge your own thinking. You might notice negative self-talk such as “I am such an idiot; I can never do anything right”. Take a moment to stop and put the negative thought on trial: what are all the pieces of evidence that support your thought? What are all the pieces of evidence that go against your thought? Once you list the evidence for and against your negative thought, you can then decide if you’d like to replace it with a new one. For example, you may realize that you actually do a lot of things well in your life and yet are very hard on yourself for making small mistakes. The alternative to “I’m such an idiot for messing things up” would then become something like, “Everyone makes mistakes, and this small mistake does not say anything about my worth or identity”.
Choose one of these avenues to practice self-compassion this week and pay attention to how your self-talk starts to change!